My Father

on Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My father died 25 years ago today. 25 years. He's been gone longer than the time I knew him. I was 14 years old. It was the worst day of my life. I've never felt so afraid and I've never felt so confused at the tilt the world took that day.


He was an amazing man with large brown eyes that when they smiled were brilliant and exciting, when at rest, gave you the most tender feeling of vulnerability and when angry were the scariest large eyes you can imagine. He was a loving man who put family before everything else.


I wonder, often, what it would be like to have him in my life now and how it would have changed so many things for me and my immediate family. I know everything happens for a reason, but 25 years of pondering hasn't given me a tremendous amount of insight. At 14, I was very clear that we are born to die and at the time I thought he was pretty old (he was 54 years old) and it seemed clear it was just the way things happen. As I'm quickly approaching 40 ...I realize daily how very young he was and what a loss this was for my mother.


Here's the tremendous part. This man who was my father, who loved me so well and taught me to value myself in a way only a good father can for his daughter...twenty five years later, I still think of him daily. He's still...alive...in so many ways...in my thoughts, in our stories and in my children. What a gift.

9 comments:

Mindy said...

Aww, I feel for you. My dad died 4 years ago and I think about him every day to. I think it does good to think about them..

Twincerely,Olga said...

wow! I lost my Dad when I was 16It was 30 years ago! Worst day of my life!! I am still so much his daughter in that I am alot like he was! I found you on SITS! Stop by

Lesley said...

I am so sorry for your loss....even 25 years later...I couldn't begin to imagine what that would be like...being a teenager...and having to comprehend and digest mortality like that....I love though that you have such a wonderful way to remember him...just how his face was....I think you have an amazing insight...and I'm sure he is very proud of you.

michelle said...

wow, this post really moved me...I'm so sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age...he sounds like he was an amazing man and it is so great that you still think of him everyday...I bet he is so proud of you!!
I am so close with my father....I can't imagine the loss you feel everyday.
I bet he watches over you and your family and has the biggest smile on his face!!!!

m :)

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

Mindy - you are right! It does great to think about them.

Olga - sometimes that is the craziest part....we knew them for relatively so short a time but their influence now seems so powerful. Wish I were more aware of that fact in my parenting.

Leslie and Michelle - Thank you for your kind words. I feel him in my life every day and crazy enough...I do feel like I've been guided by him. I will tell you guys a crazy story about something I experience after his death in another post.

Thanks again to all of you!

Karen@StrictlySimpleStyle said...

I'm so sorry for the loss. My father actually died 12 years ago on the 20th of October. It was my son's 7th birthday. I know how it feels to wonder what it would be like to have him here. I really wish he could have seen his grandchildren grow up.

rachel... said...

Yes, those 14 years were a gift. My father died when I was 6 and I can't even remember him. I hope you had a day full of fond memories...

Maricris Zen Mama said...

What a touching story! I share the same sentiments. I lost my father and brother too. And today, my daughter asked me to tell her a story of my family's "history". My hubby suggested I tell her about my brother. I choked up in the middle of my story & teared up for a while. Yes, it don't matter how long it has been. They'll remain in our hearts like it was just yesterday...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Wow just your writing was excellent, but the emotion and love you FEEL when reading that is amazing! Great post! He sounds like an incredible man :)